Life is circling somehow. I always felt this. Things you dread the most come back to repay you. Six years ago, on a dreadful September 29 night I lost my first glitter. Catalina's brother or sister was not ready to meet us and left my body, just to leave me completely void of happiness, desire to live and any hope that I'll be ever able to smile again. It was the hardest time in my life and I was the loneliest ever because nobody around me knew or wanted to acknowledge what I was going through. They just wanted me to be happy and problem free, so they can go ahead with their lives. So for a while I pretended I was ok, until one day I had a reason to start hoping again. Catalina was my rainbow baby, a rainbow so, so bright and beautiful and perfect that she healed my heart and made me complete. I still think about my first baby, but hurt is a memory that I don't let overwhelm me again. And, to comeback to the circling of life.
This year, the same day of September 29 I had positive pregnancy test. Three years of trying, of hopes shattered Every.Single. Month. And then it was the acceptance that Catalina will be our only baby, and we should just say thank you and be incredibly grateful. And we were. So so happy and amazed that she came to us, so perfect, so loving and so much ours. But life circles, and the same day my heart broke 6 years ago, this year got filled with hope. Tiny, flickering hope in the beginning. Tests after tests, doctor appointments after doctor appointments. Panic attacks followed by sleepless nights, nightmares of the most horrible kind. Exhaustion like I never felt before, days when I thought I will collapse because my eyes will close right then and there. It just seemed too miraculous to happen to us, to have something so good happen again. It's been now 14 weeks since the doctors counted day1 of my baby's life in my tummy. Genetic tests showed no signs of worry, none of the ultrasounds gave me any reason to worry. While I still have fear that this will be taken from me, I am starting to be able to breathe and be happy. I might have a tiny little girl (!!! <3) by mid next year. Maybe...how nice would it be?
But once again, I am alone in my happiness, my worries, my life. The sister and mother I cherished all my life turned their backs to me the moment I asked them to show Catalina the love I showed them both (and my nephews and nice) all my life. It was like asking them to love frog...We love her this much and there is nothing more you can ask from us. So, this leaves me here: pregnant with hopefully a healthy little girl, and holding the hand of a most wonderful one that has been already given to me. I am happy.
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