The good, the hard and the hartbreaking (of having 2 kids)

   Ever since I remember I wanted to have 2 kids. Not one, not three. Two. Growing up I wished those two kids are actually two girls. It was hard for me to voice clearly that I really wanted girls before I got them. What if I get pregnant with a boy and everybody around me tells them that I wanted them to be girls? So, I am leaving the dream. I have two beautiful, healthy girls. Life is as good as I ever hoped. Life is good to me.

So, what is the good in having two girls?
Pretty much what I expected. Having a soft baby to hold, to make me feel young again. Having a witty, smart kindergartener to entertain me and love me. Seeing them together makes me feel whole, like my purpose in life has been reached.

What is the hard?
Once again, what was expected. Not having a second to myself. Relearning how to put on a diaper, remembering how disgusting you feel when you are drenched in breast milk. The terrible loneliness you feel even when people visit all the time.

What is the heartbreaking?
I've experienced parts with Catalina as well. How incapacitated you feel when the baby cries and cries and you have no idea what to do to make it better. You want to rip your heart out, so maybe your brain can function clearly and you can see rationally what you can do (if there is something you can do). It happens now too, every time Ami cries.

But last night I experienced a new kind of heartbreak. Ami was relentless in her crying. I was tired and exhausted physically and psychically. Catalina was tired, ready to sleep and asked me to tell her a story. I started to tell her a story, but Ami kept on crying. So, I told Catalina that daddy will tell her the story and without another word I left the bedroom to rock Ami on the yoga ball. Lately this is a common occurrence, to tell Catalina I don't have time, I can't play with her, that she needs to be a big girl and understand that babies are just a lot of work. Seconds after I left the room last night I saw Catalina in the door frame, watching me rock her sister. I told her I can't come to bed, so she should go back to bed and ask daddy to tell her the story. She left, and I assumed she went to bed. Minutes later, when Ami finally calmed down I went back into the bedroom I saw Catalina with a picture of the two of us in her hands, crying. And this is when I broke down too, and cried with Catalina and Ami in my arms. As much as I want, I can't split myself in two. And there will always be one of my girls who won't have me. True, most of the time they won't need me at the same time, but when they do, there is nothing that will calm their heartbreak or mine. It's the very cruel reality of having two kids. You might grow two hearts to love them, but you can't grow another you to be there for both when both need you.

But for now, I'll focus on the good and I'll the any heartbreak that will come, knowing I'll get back the energy just by hugging and loving my two miracles.

Grace

Beginning of summer has an extra meaning for our family. It's time for Catalina's ballet recital. With Ami here, mommy could not participate in ANY of the events, leaving her a little empty and disappointed. Especially since this year Catalina was part of the main show, no more baby stuff! This meant a 4 hour rehearsal, the only chance to get pictures of your own child. Daddy took some magnificent shots of our ballerina.

This was all the rehearsal. For the big shows (she performed both Saturday and Sunday) I did Catalina's make up. She was so gorgeous, I so wish I could have seen her in her pretty dress too.

Saturday

Sunday

Perfect posture

The shows were magnificent. Special effects, high class dancing, an abundance of grace. And this is only the little things I saw from the pictures.

So much elegance in Catalina's posture, I am so, so immensely proud of her. She's 6 years old and she got on stage with tens of big girls, real ballerinas. Life has been generous to me!
Congratulations to my gorgeous, graceful ballerina!

Amelia

She came on June 1st, just minutes after midnight. She is perfect in every single way, gorgeous beyond limits. Sweet, cuddly and peaceful. My heart is not big enough for so much happiness!

It started at midnight, the day before. No cramping, but my water started leaking. I was afraid that if I call the midwives they'll send me to the hospital and all possible medical procedures will be pushed onto me. So I stayed awake, thinking all sorts of bad outcomes, hoping for the best. By 5 am some mild contractions started, giving me hope that I will actually have a baby that day. It was the beginning of a wonderful day. It was sunny and the birds were singing outside our widow. It just seemed like everyone was happy. I took Catalina to school, walking soooo slowly! I was afraid that my water will just gush out and I'll make a fool of myself. That was not the case, drop off happened without any drama and I went back home to sleep. 4 hours later I woke up with no contractions. I picked up Catalina from school and got her ready for her ballet class. All this time I was worrying about infections and why doesn't my labor start?? So I decided to call the midwives after all...I got an appointment immediately, so after the ballet class was done I went in. Guess what? 5 cm dilated! I was given the chance to deliver at the birth center and I took immediately, knowing that I can be home 4 hours after I deliver!

So, I drove back home, to prepare Catalina for her sleepover. I had contractions while driving, but it was a magnificent sunset. I felt like I am in a movie setup with the sunlight gently caressing my eyesight while unimportant things disappear around me. Somehow there was no traffic, and somehow I got home. We told Catalina it's time, that Amelia will come out, that she'll have to sleep with out neighbors. She was confused and somehow surprised. We've talked for so long about Ami coming out, that she could not believe it will actually happen. She was excited to stay with the neighbors and that she will meet her sister. The timing couldn't have been better. We packed her things in time, we did not have to wake up our neighbors in the middle of the night or wake Catalina up at wee hours.

Everything flew by normally, peacefully and in no time we were at the birth center. Admission was a breeze and consisted in us going to the birthing room. No paper work, no hundreds of questions asked. It took some time to get the contractions started regularly, labor started and stalled several times. Until my midwife came up with the idea that maybe I just need privacy to labor in peace. So I was left with Marius in the room and what do you know...contractions started coming on top of each other. I had an intense hour, 6-7 pushes and I got to meet Amelia. It was June 1st, 2016 at 16 minutes after midnight. Or, to write this the romanian way she was born 1-6-16 at 00:16. They put her on my chest and for the second time in my life I fell in love. She cried for a long time, I tried to comfort her, but she wanted her arrival to be heard. There were a lot of procedures they had to do on me, but they never took her from me. I got to hold her continuously, tight to my chest, like she was still connected to me.  They weighted her in the same room with me, always under my eyes. She was a good 7 pounds and 10 ounces. And 20 inches long. A perfect baby.

I remember very raw feelings when Catalina was born, like I was completely overwhelmed. I was crying and laughing and really could not get a hold of my feelings. This time is was just pure happiness, the realization that we are complete as a family, that all the good I wanted to happen to us happened. I was laughing and laughing, but there were no tears of happiness. Just laughter. Pure, unadulterated happiness.

The recovery was short and before I knew it we were dressing her up and getting ready to leave. We were now a family of four, but one of us was missing, so we hurried up to complete our gang.

We got home at 4:30 am. We were still three, a different three from 8 hours ago. We waited un patiently for Catalina to wake up, so the sisters can meet. And the meet up was everything and more than I expected. Catalina fell in love instantly with Amelia. Among the first things she said, a phrase that became a constant in our house was "she's just too adorable".

The love in our house just grew exponentially. It's amazing what a soft, pink baby can bring into a home. So much love and peace and quiet. Catalina was the best sister from the second she met Ami. Always loving, always really caring.

We are four!

And then somehow life went back to normal. Catalina went to school, Marius went to work and I stayed home to bond, care for and love my baby girl Amelia. Catalina spread the news at school with a nice T-shirt she got from her classmates

First outing as a family was to the doctor's office. Amelia's first check up!

What happened afterwards? Just cuteness overload!

We are happy. So so happy. Our family is complete. Amelia brought us to a perfect circle. Welcome to our family, Ami sweetheart!