The good, the hard and the hartbreaking (of having 2 kids)

   Ever since I remember I wanted to have 2 kids. Not one, not three. Two. Growing up I wished those two kids are actually two girls. It was hard for me to voice clearly that I really wanted girls before I got them. What if I get pregnant with a boy and everybody around me tells them that I wanted them to be girls? So, I am leaving the dream. I have two beautiful, healthy girls. Life is as good as I ever hoped. Life is good to me.

So, what is the good in having two girls?
Pretty much what I expected. Having a soft baby to hold, to make me feel young again. Having a witty, smart kindergartener to entertain me and love me. Seeing them together makes me feel whole, like my purpose in life has been reached.

What is the hard?
Once again, what was expected. Not having a second to myself. Relearning how to put on a diaper, remembering how disgusting you feel when you are drenched in breast milk. The terrible loneliness you feel even when people visit all the time.

What is the heartbreaking?
I've experienced parts with Catalina as well. How incapacitated you feel when the baby cries and cries and you have no idea what to do to make it better. You want to rip your heart out, so maybe your brain can function clearly and you can see rationally what you can do (if there is something you can do). It happens now too, every time Ami cries.

But last night I experienced a new kind of heartbreak. Ami was relentless in her crying. I was tired and exhausted physically and psychically. Catalina was tired, ready to sleep and asked me to tell her a story. I started to tell her a story, but Ami kept on crying. So, I told Catalina that daddy will tell her the story and without another word I left the bedroom to rock Ami on the yoga ball. Lately this is a common occurrence, to tell Catalina I don't have time, I can't play with her, that she needs to be a big girl and understand that babies are just a lot of work. Seconds after I left the room last night I saw Catalina in the door frame, watching me rock her sister. I told her I can't come to bed, so she should go back to bed and ask daddy to tell her the story. She left, and I assumed she went to bed. Minutes later, when Ami finally calmed down I went back into the bedroom I saw Catalina with a picture of the two of us in her hands, crying. And this is when I broke down too, and cried with Catalina and Ami in my arms. As much as I want, I can't split myself in two. And there will always be one of my girls who won't have me. True, most of the time they won't need me at the same time, but when they do, there is nothing that will calm their heartbreak or mine. It's the very cruel reality of having two kids. You might grow two hearts to love them, but you can't grow another you to be there for both when both need you.

But for now, I'll focus on the good and I'll the any heartbreak that will come, knowing I'll get back the energy just by hugging and loving my two miracles.