Crying

It's been hard, my heart is torn in a thousand pieces and all I want is to keep them glued so I can help my baby girl. School is starting in exactly 7 days. This past weekend we went on a walk and saw the school once again. We took some pictures and talked about the first day of school.

Catalina's old daycare is closing, it looks like a war zone, boxes everywhere, doors open to the point I wonder what kind of parent I am if I leave her there all day long. She seems fine most of the time, she asks questions about the new school once in a while. But I can guess that in her little smart head she is worried. She is scared she won't do everything right. But she's juts too young to put all these into words. She doesn't know what it is, but she tells me often she is not happy. When your sweet, beautiful five year old tells you "mommy, I am not happy, but I don't know why", you pretty much want to stop the world and ask everybody to make her happy. Because she so deserves everything that is best and shinny and joyous.

Last night she burst into a full blown cry. Tears rolling on her gorgeous cheeks, sobbing and hardly able to breathe. Once again she told me she doesn't know why she cries, that she is just not happy, but she does not know why. So I held her and told her it's ok to cry, that I am very sad many many times, that I cry also. That I love her very much and I will hold while she cries, and if there is anything I can do to make her happy she should tell and I'll just do it. That maybe the two of us can think of something that I can do to make her happy. But my brain could not work to think of anything, and she wanted solutions from ME. We started talking, in between sobs in the beginning, then a little calmer later on. I asked her if she's worried about her new school and she said yes. I told her that I know her teacher is very nice and that she'll love her a lot; that she is such an amazing girl, she will do very well. She was not listening though, it was not what she needed to hear, I could feel that. So I told her it's ok if she cries, that a lot of kids cry in kindergarten. That, if she cries, nobody will be upset with her.

And this morning we went to her school for "orientation day". She looked gorgeous and she talked to her new teacher and made me so, so proud. It's such a privilege to be her mommy.

Fly high, baby, and don't be afraid to fall. I'll be there to break your high falls, and I'll be there to wipe your tears after the small ones. Because we all have to fall a little, just to see how high we can get.